Oops, I did it again.
I’m sure there’s no need for another explanation as to my whereabouts for the past 74 days, right?
Good, now that’s taken care of, here’s something of a crossroads article, as I’m hoping to expand my range of subject matters and refresh my stale reviewing style as much as possible, this will mean less of the “here I go, I’m going to taste this lollipop now” thing and reworking it so I can still input my personal opinions, but in a more reader-friendly way, so it doesn’t look like you’re reading a transcript for a crappy YouTube video, it doesn’t make a lot of sense when explained like this, but you’ll see. I have also had my beady eyes on alcoholic beverages as a contender for reviewing for a long while now, so watch this space, any excuse to crack open a bottle, eh?
To close this particular chapter of the blog though, let’s take a good look back at five of the most disgraceful things I’ve ever had the displeasure to feature on this blog over the past 2 and a half years, it’s taken a lot of trawling through and analysis, but here it is, the very bottom of the sweetie jar.
Despite having a 95% chance of engaging my gag reflexes, liquorice and aniseed flavoured treats rank bottom on this list due to the fact that it’s a very personal taste issue, rather than one of product quality, and for that reason, even though it pains me so, they cannot climb any higher.
Curse you, Blackjack. Curse you.
#5: The Bad Biscuits (Rich Tea/Thin Arrowroot/Morning Coffee)
Getting a very generous slot all the way down here are the biscuit world’s trio of tedium and depression, and they ended up sharing this spot for the very scientific reason that they are all exactly the same biscuit. The Rich Tea is the leader of the three and the original Bad Biscuit, the Thin Arrowroot is the same but with nicer engravings and an intriguing name to make you think you’re buying something really unique and interesting but it ends up being a bloody Rich Tea in a disguise a BLOODY RICH TEA IN DISGUISE. *ahem* and the Morning Coffee is an oblong version that is made to look a little darker as it’s got “coffee” in the name, but is no better with coffee than any other biscuit, more importantly HOW CAN A BISCUIT CALLED TEA AND A BISCUIT CALLED COFFEE TASTE EXACTLY THE SA… sorry.
Anyway, they got away with such a low ranking because apparently, a lot of people really like Rich Tea, those poor souls.
Yes, I’m going there, and I don’t care who I offend. The lesson we can learn from these nasty little carbuncles is to never trust anything that’s “Kola” flavoured, as that “K” often means that instead of lovely, subtle hints of your favourite fizzy drink like you may get in a certain famous Haribo sweet for instance, you get the unpleasant sensation of ingesting a sugar lump coated in washing up liquid, and that hideously hard shell on the outside, it’s just all horrific.
These things should be outlawed.
#3: Tic Tac Popcorn
A very recent entry, but a worthy one. In my £1 Challenge post, I tried to find as many things to review as I could for said amount of cash, and I did quite well for myself, until I tasted what I’d bought. In a sea of mediocrity, these harmless looking Tic Tacs stood out as still being a rip off despite them only costing FIVE. PENCE.
That price point just summed up what the shop thought of them, and indeed the consumer, because they were complete turd, I almost thought it was a joke flavour, like one to prank your friends with by pretending they’re nice. Beanboozled has nothing on these, a complete disaster for a brand that should know a lot better.
#2: Fright Nite Pumpkin Pops (The Pink One)
Forgive me for being overly specific on this one, but this frigging lollipop was the most terrifying part of my Halloween 2016, it managed to make the rest of all the other Poundland crap sweets look godly in comparison, even other flavours of the same thing.
Before we even get to how it tasted, it was supposed to glow in the dark and that barely worked, though why would that even be something you’d want in a sweet anyway? It looked like a diseased testicle or something nasty like that, didn’t even have a pumpkin face engraved on it, seriously messed up.
Then the taste arrives, and oh boy, was this rancid, I think they were trying to go for grape, but they ended up with battery acid and bile, I wish I could remember more about it, but it was just unbelievable. The twist to the whole story is that I got another one of the same flavour out of the bag that wasn’t disfigured, and it was just as bad, so you can’t even put it down to malformation. Can’t wait to find it again this October.
**Dishonourable Mentions**
Green Lady Sparkling Tea
and the #1 worst thing I’ve ever reviewed is…
Aloe. Fucking. Fresh. Oh. My. God.
Very rarely does a product come along, that makes you gag just looking at it. This “beverage” for lack of a better word, is perhaps the best advertisement in the world for opaque bottles. I really don’t think the evil wizards behind Aloe Fresh expected it to be poured into a glass and be seen without its clothes on, and that’s a fair deal, you can’t always judge a drink by its colour.
What you can judge it on, however is horrifying floating bits of shite, now horrifying floating bits of shite aren’t really a big consumer demand nowadays, and should you choose to include them in your recipe, you may end up making something looking like a glass of cooking oil with chopped onions swimming around.
“Don’t be silly!” you cry out as you try to explain that’s actually incredibly nutritious pulp from the aloe vera plant, and to respond to that I say simply “Have you tasted it?”
No, really. Have you?
I have.
It’s like baby wipes.
Baby wipes with nasty soggy floaty bits coming to attack you.
Tickling your upper lip as you try hopelessly not to let them enter your mouth.
I’ve never come so close to vomiting in the name of writing a blog that hardly anyone reads.
Was it all worth it?
No, but it sure as hell feels good to be talking about it with you guys again.
I’ll be back very soon, hope you’ve all enjoyed the list and take the time to click the links to the relevant posts!
SQ 2 