👁 🍴 – 🍬🍭 -👁😡👨💻- 🍬🍭 🚮
or words to that effect…
Welcome, everyone back to Saccharine Quarantine, the place to be to see the tackiest of treats, the sleaziest of sweets, and the dirtiest of drinks be put under the conscientious and thought provoking scrutiny of yours truly, and since I’ve pissed around all morning and have only an hour left before I leave for work, let’s get cracking with much haste.
Emoji Blast Popping Candy, it’s just like regular popping candy, only devoid of any real conversational or literary skill. Yes those simple and harmless 🙂 😡 smiley faces we all used to call Emoticons have somehow evolved into a global marketing phenomenon under the guise of Emojis, because they’re on keyboards on smartphones and people use them to communicate now and they even made a movie, but shh, we’re almost at the stage of forgetting about that.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s an Emoji for almost every feeling and everyday object you can think of, they have a place in modern messaging and I suppose they’re cute and fun for kids who like deaf blind and mute monkeys, phallic aubergines and excrement with eyeballs. Anyway, we’re losing precious time talking about the social implications of pictorial representations of human emotion, let’s just discuss this awful looking product.
You get five different ‘fruit’ flavours, all decorated with an image of a random emoji, some of them I have noticed are sporting a crying face, which is comforting, they look very cheaply designed but were originally housed in a very thick plastic bag, I’ll be sure to recycle it later or better still just set the whole lot on fire.
No natural flavourings, colourings or preservatives in here this is pure sugar and a science lab’s worth of hyperactivity inducing chemicals, oh and also surprisingly containing lactose so not suitable for you intolerance sufferers out there, although I’m sure that won’t upset many of you at all, infact I’m willing to bet it will make you feel a lot more confident about your condition knowing you get to avoid things like this.
So let’s go through these from least interesting sounding to most:
Strawberry: Tastes a bit like one of those incredibly cheap desserts they used to make back when I was a kid that had the world’s fakest strawberry flavouring, I’m sure such things are banned now, sadly not these. I just realised too this was the flavour with the crying face, whilst it was bad perhaps not worthy of shedding tears just yet.
Orange: I’ve tasted this phony orange flavour a million times, but somehow they’ve managed to make it even more unpleasant here, I’m sure it all comes from the same test tube, how can you meddle with it?
Pineapple: At first I got hints of coconut and panicked but then the totally tropical vibes took over and gave me one of the worst mockeries of a pineapple flavour ever. Not much to say really, just very poor.
Watermelon: Surprisingly the least harmful one of the bunch, it’s nice to know that no real watermelons were harmed in the making of these.
Peach: Not a common flavour in very cheap sweets, and now I understand why, as someone who really does enjoy peach flavoured things this really did a good job of putting me off. Imagine the smallest piece of peach you could possibly slice, like if you were serving aphids breakfast, then dump a tablespoon of sugar on top, get the cat to piss on it and eat the whole lot in one go.
Well, that’s the lot of them. Yeah, these were nasty, incredibly bottom of the barrel, last resort, absolutely no thought involved in quality checking the flavours and to top it all off one thing I forgot to mention throughout is that they weren’t actually that great at “popping” considering they were supposed to be “popping candy” so from both a culinary and a practical standpoint these little shits fail massively.
So just a final bit of advice for busy working Mums and Dads, don’t buy these for your kids, give them something healthier and more satisfying for a mid-afternoon treat like a real piece of fruit, some carrot sticks or marmalade coated razor blades.
Until next time.
SQ 2 