IT’S CHRIIISSSTTMAAAAASSSSS!
Oh joy to the world and all mankind! If there’s one time of the year to awake someone from a 6 month writing slumber it’s CHRISTMAS! The lights, the music, the TV specials, those tatty foil garlands you hang on the ceiling that fall down after 10 nanoseconds it’s all just THE BEST* TIME EVER!
*second to Halloween
Last year on SQ the seasonal tripe I reviewed went down about as well as a cold slice of turkey on the 27th, so obviously I couldn’t resist coming back to do a couple more Christmas specials, just to get your spirits in gear (if you’re not already on the ceiling with excitement).
Quality Street Matchmakers
Let us begin with something rather iconic, they’re the go-to edible stocking filler for Grannys across the nation, and by that I mean if you didn’t receive at least one box of these from your elderly relatives at Christmas as a child then you must have lived on a different planet. The Matchmakers themselves are elongated, twig-like sticks of… flavoured stuff *technical*
First launched in 1968 by Rowntree’s, they’re one of a rare group of confectionery products to have enlarged over time, as their name stems from the fact that during their early years, they were about the size of a matchstick, do you see now? They were given the Quality Street branding in 2008 presumably to help flagging sales as these things have never been anywhere near a Quality Street tin, probably for the best, I wouldn’t think it’d be a very good fit for the advent calendar this year.
Flavours have come and gone over time but orange and mint have always been mainstays, I chose the orange one for review purposes because it was the only one in stock at the garage… professional, I know.
So how do the old sprigs hold up today? The short answer is not bad at all, I’ve always liked chocolate orange things and these are no different, I’ve very little to say that’s negative, however they do have the potential to be quite sickly, and you can’t blame me for being greedy, the “portion size” according to Nanny Nestle is a whopping FOUR sticks, which is a lot more generous than some other sweets I can think of. Anyway I mustn’t eat too many, they’ll do as a stocking filler for a distant relative.
Cadbury Snow Bites
It’s the Cadbury product that always gets away from me each Christmas when doing these silly reviews but the game is finally up this year! To be honest I know very little about the history behind these things, from what I recall they weren’t around when I was growing up so I’ll take a guess at their introduction to be around the mid to late 2000s.
So without going into too much detail, they are solid lumps of Dairy Milk chocolate encased in a hard shell, a bit like Minstrels but spherical, and with better chocolate, and covered in silly frosting that gets all over your fingers and clothing but it needs to stay on because it’s the only thing that keeps them festive otherwise they’re just fossilised rabbit droppings, but other than the mess, they’re incredibly nice!
Oh Cadbury, our on/off relationship continues, for now we’re on good terms until you release your next shitty Dairy Milk Oreo with rhubarb, coco pops and pork fucking scratchings or whatever your next new concept for a chocolate bar is.
**It just occurred to me they are the absolute spitting image of a mint imperial on the outside, which is only useful if you wish to make mischief with friend by offering them a “mint” and waiting for their complete indifference when they realise it’s nice chocolate instead. Unless your friend is a vegan or suffers front a milk allergy in which case it may be rather amusing, or in the case of the latter, incredibly horrific**
Mr. Kipling’s Christmas Slices
Only Mr. Kipling could bundle up Christmas itself into a “slice”, that man literally has a cake for every taste, occasion and religious festival, I eagerly await the release of his “Exceedingly Good Lent Whirls” this March, they’re very similar to those Viennese Whirls except when you open the box there’s nothing in it because it’s Lent and you’re supposed to be fasting, lard arse.
Long-winded jokes aside these Christmas Slices are just mini fingers of the traditional Christmas Cake albeit without any hint of brandy, which arguably distinguishes a Christmas Cake from any other shitty fruitcake like you get at your Auntie’s 60th birthday party. Yes I know it’s got different spices and stuff too not just about the booze it was just a joke jeez.
Now then, this probably is the right time to admit that I hate fruitcake and all such versions and variants, Christmas or not, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to try new things, and I can safely say I’ve never tried these before, and most likely will never again. Oh and I’d just like to point out I was charged £1.50 for these despite the label saying £1.00 but I was too embarrassed to point it out at the time because my shop consisted solely of the things I’ve reviewed this time round, I looked like a scruffy boar and I just wanted to get out.
So let’s have a taste of a “Rich & juicy fruit cake slice topped with a soft almond layer and delicate white icing” according to Mr K’s box.
Well, the icing is really nice, takes me back to being at weddings when I was a child and only eating the icing off the cake… oh god the fruit texture… when I feel a sultana in my teeth I want to puke, but to be truthful the icing is so powerfully sweet it overpowers everything else so taste wise we’re good to go but the texture is just a bit stodgy, and what a load of bollocks that the icing is “delicate”… if you rolled enough of that stuff up you could reseal your bathroom. I imagine to the fruit cake connoisseur these are like the devil incarnate, but they’re not all that much better to an idiot like myself.
Well that just about wraps up Part 1! If you’re lucky I may just have the second part out before Christmas… but if things go normally then it’ll probably be a New Year’s Special instead… or you just won’t hear from me again till June that’ll be most likely.
Until next time! Keep shakin’ like Shakin’.
SQ 2 