Well, as an added bonus before my final Christmas review I thought I’d put myself through some more unwarranted horrors and see if Poundland could possibly disgrace the world of biscuits just as they did with their chocolate boxes, which I still maintain are some of the worst things I’ve ever eaten in the history of this website.
Now to be fair, biscuits aren’t as an expensive a product to make and they will probably be okay because you can get dirt cheap biscuits that are still really good, the custard cream is a prime example, but the difference here is these are once again marketed as a “premium” option, using the word “Exquisit” as branding, so before we go into more detail about what’s in the box, let’s remind ourselves of the definition shall we:
Let’s begin positively since it is Christmas Eve Eve after all, the box actually looks okay when compared with that ghoulish black filth the chocolates were encased in, they were produced in Germany and Poland for a “company” called Hutte which is simply one of many phantom brands used to hide the fact something is indeed Poundland own brand, which is the best course of action if you’re wanting to market these as a stocking filler one would imagine.
The back of the box has your usual identification guide with the biscuit names in German, and the description in both English and Spanish, so another multilingual box but not half as loopy as those seashells I reviewed earlier on in the month.
Righto then, now the admin is out of the way let’s try these buggers.
1. Donna Zartbitter: Sounds like someone topping the Austrian folk chart, but isn’t too bad a biscuit either, a basic dark chocolate affair, very inoffensive and a disappointingly good start.
2. Stracciatella: Unfortunately I did read the description and saw the word “coconut” so that didn’t help my psyche, this isn’t great because I despise coconut flavoured things, it actually overpowers the chocolate coating which is astonishing, a contender for last to be eaten out of the packet.
3. Balena: Oh my it’s chocolate shortcake, it’s really really good and one of my favourite types of biscuit in general, they certainly know how to get one over on me.
4. Neapolitaner: It’s a wafer, which is half of a biscuit in my book, so it looks like the biggest cop-out imaginable, and tastes like it too, the wafer texture is as if it’s been left out on a bathroom windowsill for days, just stale and chewy rather than crisp and light and the cocoa cream does nothing to alleviate the awfulness.
5. Coco-Fleur: This put the fear into me but you can hardly taste the coconut at all, in this instance the dark chocolate overpowers everything else, it’s still a shit biscuit though there’s very little substance to it, but even worse if you’re a coconut fan.
6. Orangenstabchen: Now with this one I was expecting to be impressed, a chocolate orange finger with white chocolate drizzle, oh boy! Turns out they used a measurement of orange flavouring the size of a gnat’s piss puddle for this one, so the taste isn’t there, it’s alright but I expected more.
7. Craquer: This definitely looks the part, but I was foolish to expect anything other than another mediocre dark chocolate biscuit, the advertised extra, in this case caramelised hazelnut sprinkles, just doesn’t contribute to the flavour, in fact they’re only good for getting stuck in your teeth, once again, it’s not bad but where’s the “exquisiteness” here?
8. Chockies: A double chocolate cookie thing, quite nice, thank god!
9. Donna Vollmich: Ahh, the other Donna, well she’s just like the first biscuit only covered in milk chocolate this time, so I can’t complain.
10. Nocciola: This reminds me of a Viscount but with hazelnut creme instead of mint in the centre, the biscuit itself is okay but the filling could be better, just tastes quite cheap and nasty, who would have thought it from pound shop biscuits?
There we have it then, turns out these are nowhere near as terrible as the chocolates, not like I expected them to be or anything, they certainly don’t live up to the definition of “exqusite”, granted a lot of them look just fine but hardly what you’d call “beautiful” plus they come in that same cheap wobbly gold tray as those god forsaken chocolates, as for “delicate” then that’s mostly true also as some of them are thin enough to fit in your wallet!
They’re fine for a really cheap last minute stocking filler for someone who loves biscuits of all shapes and sizes, but you’d have to be really scraping the bottom of the barrel if you decided on these instead of a tin of Cadbury’s or Fox’s which aren’t even expensive, plus you actually get a whole set of good biscuits, not a lucky dip ranging from tasty to mediocre to downright lazy *cough* wafer *cough*
Anyway, hope you enjoyed this little pre-Christmas bonus, tune in on Christmas Day for another quality review that’s obviously been written days prior, but that’s just showbiz.
SQ 2 
