Greetings everyone and welcome back to SQ, and I do apologise for leaving you for nearly two weeks with no review, however as I did two in such quick succession last time around I can use that as an excuse.
Today we’re not doing that Dairy Milk Oreo Mint I so joyfully hinted at all those days ago, nope, we’re doing something a lot less exciting, a clearout of random crap that I haven’t been able to review for one reason or another and is starting to really annoy me. Shall we get this over with?
Poundland Peanut Brittle
I’ve had this lying around since Christmas, it was gifted to me as part of an ungodly box of “review material” by my very unkind brother-in-law, and it was originally meant to be a part of that New Year bonanza that I did but didn’t fit in for one reason or another, probably because I really hate anything peanut related so it wouldn’t really be a fair review, but when is anything ever fair around here? Let’s just try a piece so I can dispose of the ridiculous packaging which uses the words “chunky” and “chomp” in the same description therefore must be incinerated at white hot temperatures.
If you’ve never had peanut brittle before, it’s basically toothache in a bag, obviously I hate the peanuts and want to vomit everywhere when I have one in my mouth, but I did manage to try a bit of the toffee on its own and that isn’t very good either, extremely bottom of the barrel flavourings and ingredients, but what more did you expect from Poundland? Next.
Raffaello
Continuing the trend of things that I obviously hate so don’t make fair reviews, this is the Raffaello made by the same folks who make Ferrero Rochers *hint* they’re called Ferrero, so at least we can thank the confectionery deities that the quality has increased, but not so much the ingredients as these heavily feature coconut which is 1/3 of my unholy SQ trifecta alongside peanuts and liquorice, we also have one whole almond too, aren’t we just the luckiest today? Although it does say that the white almond is from California and the coconut is “selected from the Pacific Isles” which I’m sure will make all the difference, I’d hoped that they would have sourced them from bakewell tart and Bounty leftovers.
Oh jesus… I don’t want to bite down but the praline is kind of protecting me from any coconut hits, what the actual fuck is this whole almond all about, it feels like something that’s not meant to be there, like I’ve harvested it from a bush in my garden, this nut is way bigger than I thought it would be (as the actress said to the bishop) when I got the courage to eat it properly it was okay, but wow, what a strange sensation.
Nope I’m not overly convinced here, thankfully the coconut is overpowered by the praline but it’s the giant almond like, I don’t even know what to say, I think I’ll stick to the Rocher.
Bubblegum Strip
It’s a dirt cheap array of bubblegums that I picked up at Poundstretcher ages ago when shopping for cheap energy drinks, from what I can gather they’re primarly for the Hungarian market since that is the first language available on what little packaging there is to look at, perhaps this is actually way ahead of its time by using so few materials for the product, or more likely it’s just a load of old shite. Let’s do a quick flavour rundown, of which there are mercifully just five, out of the ten pieces supplied.
Yellow: It’s banana, but the type you’d find in 30p milkshakes, probably serves a purpose in those drinks, but here it’s just abysmal, it’s one of the fakest things I’ve ever tasted.
Green: Trying to be apple but not really making it past the stage of “sugar and many chemicals”, another god awful attempt.
Orange: The most potent flavour so far, obviously it’s orange, but again, about as close to being anything like the fruit as I am to being Tom Hardy, in terms of looks anyway, I can probably sit and write about horrible sweets a lot better…
Pink: It’s a raspberry nightmare, like licking the dried up syrup stains on the side of a Slush Puppy machine and downing a tablespoon of sugar. NOT GOOD.
Blue: Finally we have our traditional bubblegum flavour, and the only one that sort of works as it’s not trying to mimic one of Earth’s finest fruits, and when I say “works” I mean, it tastes just as you’d expect, and I expected a disgusting, overly sweet disaster of a confection, and it did not disappoint.
Lily O’Briens Chocolate
These unidentified truffle things have been lying around for ages, and I have no idea where they came from, a gift set of some sort perhaps? All I can tell you is they don’t look half bad from the outside, but what actually lurks inside may be a different story…
Hmm, well it’s not an unpleasant surprise, it’s just a bog standard chocolate truffle as predicted, although I’m quite sure that it tastes a little off, but there’s no expiration date on the wrapper to tell me either way, so perhaps it’s best just to consider the mystery solved and gently place them into the bin where they may or may not belong before I contract diphtheria.
Well, that’s that, I’ve finally cleared my drawers of this crap that’s been hanging around for ages, I’ll see you lot soon, either before Easter or for my Easter special, I haven’t decided yet. Keeping it professional. Always.
SQ 2 